


How Not to Kidnap a Vice Foreign Minister

by Omnicat



Series: Crossover Kidnappings [1]
Category: Code Geass, Gundam Wing, Pokemon, Ranma 1/2
Genre: Crazy Crossover Families, Crossover, Floating Timeline, Fourth Wall Breaking, Gen, Parody, Post-Canon, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-03
Updated: 2010-01-03
Packaged: 2017-10-05 17:38:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/44299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omnicat/pseuds/Omnicat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you get kidnapped about three times a day, it tends to get boring. Repetitive, you know? But some incidents still stand out...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before Breakfast

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Nederlands available: [Hoe Geen Vice Minister van Buitenlandse Zaken te Ontvoeren](https://archiveofourown.org/works/114480) by [CattyRosea (Omnicat)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Omnicat/pseuds/CattyRosea)



It was a day like any other. Nice weather she wouldn't be able to enjoy because she was cooped up in her office, her limo, or someone else's board room, to babysit world leaders trice her age so they wouldn't let their egos get to them and use their nation's defence forces to attack one another; an undoubtably tiresome and far too formal social function to look forward to in the evening; hordes upon hordes of bodyguards to shield her, at all times, from the masses she served, because ohnoes, there might be a dangerous dissident out there somewhere, and what tragedy it would be if one of them took mercy on her and put her out of her misery.

All Relena could think as she slumped over the dining table after five hours of sleep, her head heavy in her hands, was: _My kingdom for a cup of coffee._

But no, she just had to get herself overthrown as Queen of the World, step down from her position as ruler of the Sank Kingdom, and not run for President of the ESUN in favour of staying on as its Vice Foreign Minister. And that blasted Heero Yuy kept poking his Head of Security nose into her personal business (not just her _personal_ personal business, either) and dictate her diet to Pagan, trying to scare the lovable old man with stories about stress and high blood pressure.

Somehow, somewhere, she found the strength to dredge up her old mantra from one of the dark, sleep deprived corners of her mind. "A normal girl would probably flip over this. But what normal girl would take up a high-ranking position in the world government while she should be partying her way through university, flirting with normal boys and - and - all those other things normal young adults do and which you can't even begin to imagine? If you're throwing away your youth for the sake of world peace anyway, don't come complaining when -"

But before she could finish she was interrupted by a great crash, caused, as she noticed upon slowly raising her head from her hands, by the severing of the outer dining room wall from the rest of the building.

For a moment, Relena was treated to an interesting, novel view of her own back yard, before a hot air balloon was lowered in front of the newly formed opening. From it jumped three forms; a woman with long, sweeping fuschia hair, a tawny cat, and a man holding a rose. As the trio landed on the ruined carpet in theatrical poses, dramatic music started playing out of nowhere.

"Prepare for trouble!" the woman declared.

"And make it double!" the man added, flicking some lavender hair from his face.

The woman went on with: "To protect the world from devastation!"

Followed by the man again: "To unite all peoples within our nation."

"To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"Jessie!"

"James!"

"Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!" 'Jessie' proclaimed, turning the drama up another notch and striking a new pose that showed off the red 'R' on the front of her skimpy, black-and-white uniform, and to which 'James' added in similar fasion: "Surrender now or prepare to fight!"

Then the cat leaped in front of them to finish with: "Me-owth! Dat's right!"

Relena stared at them blankly.

Smirking, Jessie turned her attention from the cameras to Relena, pointedly ignoring the loud _pang!_ that accompanied the crack suddenly appearing in the Fourth Wall.

"I hope you're a morning person, girly, because we're here to take you away."

Her face still a dangerous blank, Relena rose from her seat slowly. "While I appreciate the high sentiment speaking from your ridiculously lenghty slogan," she said politely, _"don't you know breakfast is the most important meal of the day?!"_ \- and slammed her fists down on the dining table with enough force to make the legs give out.

The trio jumped back as one.

"Jessie, I thought you said this girl was a pacifist?!" James said in alarm, cowering behind his female accomplice.

"S - she is!" The woman, who didn't look any less frightened by Relena's outburst than him, seemed to take courage from that fact, standing up straighter and regaining her smirk. "She can bark all she wants, but her ideology doesn't allow her to bite. Fair game. Go get her, James."

While the man freaked out ("Why me? You get her if she's so harmless!"), a slow, sinister smile formed on Relena's face. The talking cat seemed to be the only sensible member of the team; his fur stood on end upon seeing the ominous change in their target, and he inched away slowly.

"Uhm, guys?"

"And you call yourself a gentleman? How can you ask a lady to do something so vulgar?"

"You, a lady? Don't make me laugh!"

"You haven't been reading the political section of the newspaper, have you?" Relena interrupted calmly.

Maybe these three had a more finely tuned sense for impending doom than most of her would-be kidnappers; they silenced immediately and turned their gazes back to Relena ever so slowly, as if she were a bomb ready to burst.

Which wasn't very far from the truth, if you counted young women with violent early morning temperaments in the definition of 'bomb'.

Pitch-black shadows obscured all Relena's features but her mouth, which was twisted into a wide, diabolical grin as she spoke. "I no longer advocate _total_ pacifism. A... _certain amount of force _is acceptable for the sake of self-defence."

Before the trio could even blanch properly, Relena had gotten her hands on the tabletop and swung it at them. It knocked them off their feet, sent them crashing into their balloon, and the balloon flew back from the force of impact. Just as common sense demanded that it should start slowing down soon, the cat-shaped contraption exploded, and a faint "Team Rocket blasting off agaaaaaaaain!" could be heard as the trio's silouettes became nothing but a glimmer of light against the blue.

"Ha!" Relena shouted after them, now bouncing with adrenaline and shaking a triumphant fist at the skies. "Just because my show has natural hair colours doesn't mean we're bound to any sense of realism!"

The gardeners who had rushed to the site to inspect the damage done to the dining area were suddenly buried beneath the wreckage of the Fourth Wall.

Heero chose that moment to show his bodyguardly face, blowing the dining room door clean off its hinges as he crashed into the room, balancing a laden tray in each hand.

"Relena, are you alrigh - eet!" he said, bending in a rather unnatural way to keep a pitcher of orange juice from toppling off the tray. "I came as soon as I heard the noise, but these things kept almost fal - oh shit -"

Grabbing the edge of the dangerously tilted tray, Relena beamed at him. "I'm fine!"

"What the heck is wrong with me today?" Heero muttered to himself as he watched Relena waltz through the room, performing a pirouette with the tray balanced on one finger before setting it down on a chair.

"Oh Heero, _now_ I understand what it is that gives people the urge to fight! I've never felt better in my life!"


	2. After Lunch

Coffee, Relena had decided by lunch time, was the answer to everything. World peace, poverty, disease, alien invasions - nothing a little caffeine couldn't fix.

Heero kept a wary eye on her all through that morning's meeting with the Minister of Trade and sat in on her dayly hour of paper pushing, brooding in a chair by the door and looking for all the world as if he expected her to slash his throat with the sharp end of a proposal at any moment. What he was so worried about, Relena could not fathom. She'd never felt better.

There _was_ the tiny fact that she couldn't remember anything of what had happened before breakfast that morning, but then again, it wasn't often that she _could_ remember. It was rather unlikely she'd be in such a good mood if anything bad had happened.

When the clock struck noon all such thoughts evaporated, however. There hadn't been a standing clock in Relena's office in a while, not since an aspiring world conqueror had sabotaged the last one so the strikes took on a hypnotic effect, which Relena and Heero had only been saved from by a surprise visit from Duo, who had selective deafness down to an art form. And the one before _that_ had been meddled with as well; there were still dents in Relena's desk where the bolts and cogs the thing had started spewing had struck. (The saboteur had turned out to be a rather pleasant gentleman with the unfortunate tendency to burst out in aggressive raving whenever the word 'time' fell, because he was convinced there was an alien invasion at hand that would wipe out all life on Earth unless he was put in charge of the entire Earth Sphere.)

Luckily, Heero's internal clock was just as accurate - if not more so - than any mechanical device. In a beautiful display of classical conditioning, his stopwatchy habits caused Relena's stomach to start growling as soon as he jumped up from his seat. Her conditioned responses were thrown for a loop, however, when instead of walking out and coming back with the lunch boxes Pagan had prepared for them that morning, he walked around the desk, lifted her from her office chair, threw her over his shoulder, and carried her out of the building and into the adjoining park.

Once there he deposited her on a bench, said "Don't move until I come back.", and stalked off again. Relena shifted anyway. Being diagonal wasn't very comfortable. Moments later Heero returned, a frightening number of trays in his hands - and on his arms, shoulders and head. With one look at the way it was all kept upright, Relena knew at least two laws of nature were being broken. But Heero had never been very particular about rules and regulations, and unloaded and installed his cargo onto the stone bench at perfect ease.

"Er, Heero..." Relena started, unsure of what she should ask about first; his juggling or the absurd amounts of trays for their no larger than usual lunch.

But Heero only grinned triumphantly, and the only thing he would say was: "I still got the hang of it."

Nagging Heero into anything was a lost cause, so Relena gave up asking for an explanation after a while. The meal was as peaceful as the carefully laid out gardens could inspire. They talked a bit, ate Pagan's lovingly prepared sandwiches and salad, Heero flirted a bit in his peculiar, 'I'll-kill-you'-means-'hi' kind of way.

And then, with an explosion that was entirely unnecessary, because the garden was freely accessible to the public through a gateway right next to the piece of wall being blown up, they were surrounded.

Heero jumped up, slipped on the stack of trays he'd piled next to the bench, banged his head on the stone edge, and lay still.

Relena grimaced and barely had time to sigh "Is it that time again?" before a bag was pulled over her head and she was tossed over a hard, pointy shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Hey now, just because I let Heero do this doesn't mean just anyone can have a go." she said, but her voice was smothered by the gunny sack. Normally she didn't mind the daily attempt at her capture, but this man's hand was coming very close to forbidden territory.

The thought of the rudeness of today's kidnappers was quickly dissipated, however, by others along the lines of _Ouch, ouch, ick, oh please stop that, I just ate,_ because the shoulder she was draped over punched her in the gut with every step. After a few uncomfortable and increasingly miserable minutes, she was put back on her own, by then quite wobbly legs, turned around roughly, and rid of her cap. A door closed behind her.

She turned out to be face to face with a gangly young man with black hair and an extravagant dark suit with a cape. A bird-like pink symbol glowed in one of his eyes, and he said, with a voice like he was trying to make himself sound older than he really was: "Relena Darlian, I, Lelouch vi Britannia, command you -"

"I'm going to throw up." Relena said.

In the one moment left before she did, the guy's eyes widened and he screamed: "Not on my shoes!"

And before Relena knew what was happening, she was bent over the unsavoury remains of her noon meal, safely out of 'Lelouch vi Britannia's' way. Her kidnappers had somehow managed to return and start arguing without her noticing.

"- that for, that was our only chance!"

"Zero should think of his image! Who's gonna follow a leader with puke all over his shoes?"

"Who treats someone that way when they've just eaten in the first place?!"

Somewhat to the side of the quarreling group was a girl of approximately Relena's age with reddish-pink hair, who smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand repeatedly. After heaving a deep, frustrated sigh, she grabbed a still dazed Relena's arm and led her away, gently but firmly.

"You're no use to us anymore. I'm sorry about this, Miss Darlian. Zero, our leader, honestly means well, but he can come off a little melodramatic sometimes."

"No kidding." Relena said weakly, one hand pressed to her stomach.

The girl grimaced. "Really, our apologies. It won't happen again."

"I've heard that before." Relena mumbled. If her security was tightened much more often, it would make atoms implode. "I take it this was your first kidnapping?"

The girl nodded sheepishly.

"And it wasn't even about a ransom?"

"No."

"Oh, well. Just bring me back to where you dragged me from. Heero would have a fit if he woke up without me there."


	3. During Dinner

Relena would have preferred not to eat another bite all day, but a politician's gotta do what a politician's gotta do. And sometimes what she had to do was keep down a three-course meal made up entirely of acquired taste foods she had never been able to acquire a taste for. She had to. World peace was at stake. All Hell would break loose if she didn't.

_One more sheep's eye in essence of slug and she was going to cause the next nuclear war. With no hands!_

The screeching scrape of her chair caused the room to go deadly silent. Relena stood and conjured up her most charming smile. "Excuse me, I've got to go powder my nose. Don't let me keep you from your meals and conversations."

She turned around and upon exiting the room grabbed Heero, who was standing right outside the door with his pocket-sized recording equipment (a bit less inconspicuous than usual), by the arm. "I need some change. Now!" she whispered urgently in his ear.

That he was a bit out of it and needed some time to gather his wits, Relena could understand. But when he opened his mouth to ask a question ("Whuh?", judging by his expression), it became too much. Snarling between her teeth, she stuck her hands into the pockets of his jacket. When she pulled them back she held an unbelievable amount of junk between her fingers; the wires and batteries of his equipment, paperclips and a bunch of pens, a coil of iron wire and a square brown mass that could only be meant to make plastic bombs, blank stickers, clear stickers, stickers with "my bomb, get your own" on them, a wrapped bit of leftover chicken, a jojo, thumb-sized circle and star presses, crinkled leaves of folding paper, several brightly coloured plectrums, fish-bait, a mouse trap...

For a moment Relena could only stare at her hands and wonder where she had gotten it all. Heero's pockets looked perfectly flat from the outside. Then she deposited the entire mess into Heero's own hands unceremoniously, and stuck hers into his pants. Pants pockets. Not that there was much of a difference, except that even Heero Yuy probably didn't carry his wallet _that_ close to his skin. Amidst the fall of junk raining down from Heero's fumbling hands, Relena found his wallet, and before the last rubber band had so much as hit the floor, she had put it back, a handful of change short.

Relena leaped down the stairs at the end of the hallway and Heero, clutching his head, which was still sore and prone to spinning from his fall earlier in the afternoon, slid down to the floor along the wall.

"This is not my day." he groaned.

A few minutes later, Relena crumpled an empty soda can with a satisfying metallic crunch. She let out a burp behind her hand and, eyes closing, leaned back against the side of the vending machine in the hotel lobby.

_Dignity-schmignity,_ she thought. _Next time they serve me something that disgusting I will demand carbon dioxide in the cooler. And if they have a problem with that, they can go and declare war to each other. What do I care._

"Excuse me."

Relena jumped upright in surprise. A boy of her age, maybe a little older, was suddenly standing in front of her, sporting thick black hair and an ochre tunic. He wore a bandanna around his head and his pants were tied tightly around his shins. A large backpack with a red umbrella on top was strapped to his back, and he looked scruffy and blown about. For a moment Relena wondered whether she was still in the right hotel; travellers like this guy didn't usually stay at such a ridiculously expensive place.

"I'm in Paris right now, aren't I?" he asked urgently. "The French capitol?"

"Yes, of course." Relena answered, astonished. Then she remembered her manners and added more kindly: "Are you looking for any particular address? I'm not_ that _familiar with the city, but maybe I can help."

"Really?" He beamed at her. "Then can you tell me where I can find the Louvre?"

"That's not far from here."

Relena walked the boy to the steps at the hotel entrance, pointed down the street, and explained the route to the Louvre street by street. Never before had she met anybody who was so glad to be told the way. He was almost literally bouncing when he repeated the instructions.

"That's right." Relena confirmed.

The boy grabbed her hand and shook it wildly, grinning from ear to ear. "Thank you so much. You have no idea what it means to me to finally know how to get there."

"You're welcome." Relena laughed. The boy nodded, raised a hand in goodbye, marched down the steps - and froze where he stood. Relena watched as he looked from one side of the street to the other, like he wanted to cross over, and heard him mutter to himself. It was too faint to be intelligible, but she thought she heard the sounds of 'left' and 'right', and something that sounded remarkably like a question mark.

Abruptly he turned back around to her. "Could you take me there?"

Relena gaped.

"Please!" He looked at her pleadingly. "It's really important to me."

Suddenly Relena's bewilderment turned into suspicion. "This isn't an attempt to kidnap me, is it?" she asked, taking a step backward just in case. It _was_ about time for number three.

The boy looked surprised. "Why would I want to kidnap you?"

"I don't know, I've heard just about every excuse imaginable by now. Some want me to marry them, others want me to personally help their political party get into power or support their charity cause or put an autograph on their pet! Sometimes it's like half the world thinks that in a democracy with the right to petition and input on all fronts and I don't know what else, the only way to get results is by kidnapping some random minister from a random ministry and threaten to dangle them over a tank full of lobsters or take pictures of them in fetish outfits if they don't get their way." She needed a deep breath after that. "Even during the war it wasn't this bad! And during the war the people on _my_ side thought the best way to get things done was by blowing yourself up at every opportunity. We didn't put up with all the property damage and shouting back then to keep going like that now!" she finished.

After that tirade, the boy stared at her wide-eyed. "I... I just want to make sure I don't get lost between here and the Louvre."

Relena shrugged, said "Fair enough.", and skipped down the steps.

"What?!" he spluttered.

"As annoying all those kidnappings may be, my superiors and co-workers are just as bad. Just with more ego and less explosions. A walk through the city is most welcome. However -" She turned to him and raised a warning finger. "If this is a trap and you're trying to lure me away through trickery, know that I stand by what I said at the press conference last month. I think it's very rude for people to jump the que in such a way, but if you refrain from using force I promise to put your cause in an open slot in my agenda, just like all the others. For some reason they don't like it when I plead for convicted criminals, so I advise you to just voice your concerns to the government the legal way.

Well, let's go."

Her cocktail dress swished around her legs, her heels clacked against the pavement, and Relena stretched her arms above her head, into the sultry evening air, until her shoulders popped. The travelling boy fell into step beside her, thinking it wiser not to comment on what had just happened.

"So, what brings you to the Louvre?"

"Da Vinci. Apparently there's a work of his there that can help me." he said. "I'm Ryoga, by the way. Ryoga Hibiki."

"Relena Darlian." Relena replied with a smile. "Help you with what, if you don't mind me asking?"

"My sense of direction." Ryoga rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "I always get lost. _Always._ Sometimes even indoors. My entire family suffers from directional dysfunction, but when I found my house back recently there was a note waiting for me from my brother, saying he'd found a solution. He also left an address, but except for that one time I haven't been home in years, so I'm not sure if he's still there. But once I can find the way it'll be a lot easier to find him."

The way Ryoga smiled, with his thick eyebrows raised from their seemingly naturally downward slope, felt familiar to Relena. _They do have their charm, those grouch's smiles,_ she thought, with Heero before her mind's eye.

"That must be a relief." she said.

"It is."

They talked about the weather and other such things while they walked. Just when the Louvre came into view, Relena's phone rang. Frantically she turned around and stuck a groping hand down her front. She put the ear piece she pulled from her bra into her ear, fastened the transmitter to the hem of her dress, and was stammering her apologies even before Heero could say "WHERE ARE YOU WHAT HAPPENED IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT WHO DO I NEED TO SHOOT?!".

"Oh Heero, I'm sorry! I'd forgotten all about you!"

For a moment, stunned silence reigned - from both Ryoga and Heero - and then Heero said "WHERE ARE YOU WHAT HAPPENED IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT WHO DO I NEED TO SHOOT?!" after all.

And that guy claimed to be unpredictable.

"I'm on my way to the Louvre - we're on the front steps now. I've just gone to stretch my legs with someone who appreciates my company, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't shoot him. And I'm _fine_, Heero. Best part of the evening so far."

"I'll be right there." he said, and terminated the connection.

"I hadn't expected any differently." she sighed with a smile. She turned to Ryoga, who was still watching her, bug-eyed. "My bodyguard is coming over in a minute. Don't worry, he's not as dangerous as he looks."

"I can handle him. I've studied martial arts all my life." Ryoga assured her.

Grinning, Relena pushed open the doors to the museum. "Even better. I'm sure you'll get along fabulously."

They paid the night attendant and scoured the museum for Da Vinci until Heero came running their way, as always with the accuracy of a bloodhound on a trail, and with his gun drawn. But when he caught sight of Ryoga he halted abruptly enough to almost trip over his own momentum.

"Ryoga?" he asked incredulously.

"Heero?" Ryoga echoed.

"You two already know each other?" Relena said. It immediately dawned on her that they had the exact same eyebrows. When Relena looked more closely, she was amazed she hadn't noticed the similarities right away. Such an extraordinary brand of eyebrow-tufts wasn't something you saw every day. Heero and Ryoga, meanwhile, went through a process Relena had experienced before, and which she had dubbed Long Lost Sibling Exclamation-Slash-Question Mark; she had personally gone through it with Milliardo, as had Heero's friend Trowa with his sister Catherine, and Quatre Raberba Winner, having twenty-nine older sisters, still got caught up in it from time to time. Relena watched quietly from the sidelines until Heero introduced her.

"Relena, this is my older brother, Ryoga. Ryoga, this is Relena, my..." He trailed off, uncertain.

"Employer. But only while on the clock." a winking Relena finished for him. Nothing had exploded, been perforated with bullets or brought into contact with a human body at an unhealthy velocity, so she felt safe to assume there was no bad blood between the two that could lead to scary knife throwing acts or attempted genocide.

"So Heero is the brother you were talking about?" she asked with a wide grin. "The one who left the note?"

Heero nodded. "I would have gone looking for you, but it's hard to track down people who don't even know where they're going themselves."

"Were you in the hotel where I met Relena?" Ryoga asked eagerly. "It only took you a couple of minutes to get here! You have to show me that Da Vinci."

Heero nodded, grinned wider than ever to his brother and more-than-employer, and confidently led them through the museum. When he quietly slipped his hand in hers a few hallways down, Relena thought that if she had to be kidnapped three times a day anyway, this wasn't such a bad way for it to happen at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments on older fics will ALWAYS remain welcome.


End file.
